Coming out!
Hello and welcome!
Ok, so if you've made it to this page, you really must have a passion for punishment and want to know more about me, Jason Shaw, the author of Sex And The Sea Front. Or perhaps you're a friend or acquaintance just having a read through to see if you get a mention. Maybe you've just surfed and found yourself deposited in this strange particle of web space.
Ok, so if you've made it to this page, you really must have a passion for punishment and want to know more about me, Jason Shaw, the author of Sex And The Sea Front. Or perhaps you're a friend or acquaintance just having a read through to see if you get a mention. Maybe you've just surfed and found yourself deposited in this strange particle of web space.
Whoever you are, however you arrived, you are very welcome!
This micro cosmos of cyber-space is my somewhat idulgent trip down through my dark grey matter to a place called memory lane. Sometimes ago, indeed years, on a different website I recounted a phase of my life when I finally cast off the dull cape of lies that sheouded my every waking moment! I opened myself to the world of light, honesty and truth. Oh alright, what I'm trying to say is that I Came Out!
As Sex And The Sea Front is getting more and more hits and more and more regular readers, I thought it was only fair to recount and expand the story of that time.
So here, is the story of my life, the tale of how I came to be errr me!
I guess I first knew I was gay when I was about 10 or 11 years old, although at that time I didn't know it was gay, I just knew I was different, the things that interested the other boys at school held no attraction for me. I was different, I knew that, but how different and why? were the questions my mind searched long and hard to find. However, I soon came to learn when I started having dreams and fantasies about Mark, a boy from school. He was funny, witty, friendly and a complete looker! I knew then that I must be a poof. At that time it wasn't as socially acceptable, so I tried to keep it a secret.
I tried to learn more about it, you know got books from the library and stuff like that. I remember reading one that proudly stated 'Homosexuality is just a phase, all boys go through it at some time in their lives' 'So there you go', I thought to myself, Josh you are going through a phase' and 'These feelings you're having for Mark and other boys is just a phase and I'll soon grown out of it' Well I guess you don't need me to tell you it aint a phase, cuz if it were, it's the longest phase of my bloody life!!! Well like most guys, I tried to put 'queer' thoughts to the back of my mind, I tried to be what my contemporaries and sociaty as a whole expected and in some ways demanded me to be. A 'Normal' hetro teenager, and, hey, even tho I say it myself, I think I managed it pretty well, I even had a couple of girl friends. I kept all my secret longings, desires and needs in my own secret closet! Which only was opened within the safety of my own mind.
During college, I found it harder and harder to stay in the closet, I had a minor health problem which put even more strain on me, however stay in the closet I did, well at least for a while. I had a great buddie back then called Shaun' we were best friends, bezzie mates, we used to do pretty much everything together. We even used to wank in front of each other. Him looking at a sex mag or something and me secretly looking at him, or rather at his knob!
Well, basically months went past and I just could stand that feeling of being a complete sham, of keeping part of who I was a secret, of living a lie. I really wanted to shout loud and proud that I was gay, a poof, a fairy, a fag, a nancy boy, a shirt lifter, a batty boy, a queer. an uphill gardener and whatever else people call homosexuals! Of course, I just didn't have the words or at least I didn't know how to put it and I guess if I'm honest, I just didn't have the guts.
I mean it's a pretty hard thing to do, for some people it's the hardest thing they will ever do. A couple more months passed by until I had my first experience of full sex with another guy. I found out about a gay club and went there the following Saturday night. God, was I so fucking nervious or what. I mean this fresh faces 17 year old venturing into this strange, dark underworld. I had a couple of cans of beer a dance and a few more beers, paid for by older men looking at and wanting the young chicken with shit fa brains and bearly outa short pants!
Well it didn't take too long before I'd had too much to drink and it's only a short time after that, that one of those older guys took me back to his place and introduced me to the world of gay sex. I can't really remember too much about what I was feeling inside at the time, I was so happy that I'd found other people who had the same desires as me, that I wasn't alone, as I had first thought! At the same time I was affraid. Anyway, the long and short of it was, on that night, or rather during those early hours, this guy suked me off and gave me my first experience of anal sex, buggerd me silly in other words. And, yes it hurt! It hurt like nothing I'd ever experienced. And no, it's not that way I really wanted to loose the big V, but hey, it's what happened.
Anyhow, on the train home the next day, my whole world felt different, now I don't mean the pain in my backside, I mean everything had changed. I was still the same young chap I was the night before, but now I had actual experience of what I'd only dreamed about before and everything fell into place. I was a Poof and I was happy being a poof. So, therefore the next step for me was to tell someone about it. And who better than my bezzie mate Shaun. So as soon as I could I sat him down in his room and told him my big secret, I told him that I was gay! Shaun said he understood, that it was OK, that I was still the same bezzie mate I'd always been and in fact he was proud and pleased that he was the first one I told. If ever there was a manual written about how to behave, react and thing when a someone come out to you, then it should be modeled on my mate Shaun.
Telling people at college was easy after Shauns reaction. However, they weren't so understanding. I was the life and soul of the group before, always around, always in the centre of the action. It was once said by one of the group that no function, event, party was complete without me. Flattering, yes. True, no. After I came out to them all, I became an outcast and could count my friends on two fingers! Not the way it was supposed to be and not the way I wanted at all. I guess at the time I regreted coming out, well ok I did regret it, but not for long. I realised that their stupid prejudices were their problems and not mine. My ulitmate happiness was what was important, and being open about who and what I am was the only way that I could acchive that. So out I was and out I styed.
The guy I lost my virginity to never called me, although he promised me he would, but hey, that's life. The next time I went, I danced more and drank less and went off to some other guys house and had rampant sex, it was better than the first time, but still not the best in the world, although I didn't know that at the time. Now guess what, he didn't call either, now I guess I didn't know any better and I guess I thought that was just the way it was on the gay scene. pretty much anonymous sex, you know, sex with strangers and all that. You can call me a tart or a slag if you wish, because that's what I became, I lived the life I thought we all did on the gay scene.
My life revolved around going to gay clubs every night I could afford to. I usually picked up or got picked up and had sex with pretty much every single one. I had a few two and three week long relationships, but nothing to set the world on fire with. I was a slag I admit it, I was a rampant little tart and I remained that way fo the rest of that year. It's not something I'm all too proud of now, but hey, it's what I thought life was all about back then. I also guess I had to get that kinda living for the weekend and shagging everything in sight outa my system for me to grow up.
I can't remember how many guys I slept with during those wild days, far more than I should have done and I am affraid to say I was very stupid, condoms were never an issue with me then, I didn't care, I was young, free, single and invincable! Now, if I have penatrive sex with anyone, I will insist on condoms, if it aint on, it aint in!! I mean half an hour, perhaps if you lucky an hour of fun now could ultimately cost you your life!. yeah yeah I hear you groan, but boys it's true, I've seen it happen. I've lost one really really close friend to this killer called HIV and AIDS. I've got an ex whose got it and I know a few other people with it too. And believe me when I say it aint pleasent. It aint big and it aint clever to fuck without a condom. And if ya gonna do it, know the risks, ok, it's your decision. OK that's the preachy part over and done with.
But, it wasn't the fear of getting HIV that stopped me clubbing and living for the weekend and being a total tart. Oh no, far from it.
I got beaten up!
Yeah there was I, at about four in the morning, I'd just left the niteclub in London called Heaven. I was follwed a little way and then set upon by 3 big strong guys. They broke my nose, cracked 3 or 4 ribs and left me bruised, battered and bleeding slumped in the road. Why? What had I done to them to demand such a beating? Nothing! My only crime was being gay. Yeah they smashed my face in because I was a gay lad coming out of a gay club, no other reason, just that, just my sexuality.
Well, I guess you can understand why I didn't wanna go clubbing after that, I mean, it aint funny and hell after a couple of weekes the physical pain stopped, but the mental pain was still there. But I came to terms with it, I mean you have too don't you? If you're gonna get on with this thing called life, then you just gotta deal with whatever is flung in your direction! It took me a few long months before I could face going to another gay club, but I did, I had fun and I left, on my own and I was safly home, without being queerbashed. I'd gotton back on my horse so to speak. it was hard, but hey, if life was meant to be easy then we'd all be millionaires!!!
Coming out to my folks was kinda easy after that. I just sat my mum down and told her and you know what, she told me she'd always know. Simple as that, occasionally when I see her now and we go shopping she's on the look out for men - for me! "Oh he looks cute - is he one of your gang?" She'll say. Father wasn't too bad either, he took it well and said that he'd know for ages, although I don't think he really did. It was very strange after that, he didn't want to be left alone in the same room as me for about six months. We spoke to each other, but we didn't talk if you know what I mean. But hey, that's all past now, perhaps we're not as close as we once were, but it's a working relationship.
Well then that my little cherubs is my coming out story, Since then I've lifed my life, honest, open and being me. I've fallen in love and I've fallen out of love. I've learnt how to look after myself, I've learnt how to cook, clean, stich buttons on, put up shelves and all sorts of things I've been happy and I've been sad a few times. Good times have come my way and so to have the bad ones, but hey, that's what this thing called life is all about. I mean you've gotta have some bad times to know when you've got the good times!
I guess I first knew I was gay when I was about 10 or 11 years old, although at that time I didn't know it was gay, I just knew I was different, the things that interested the other boys at school held no attraction for me. I was different, I knew that, but how different and why? were the questions my mind searched long and hard to find. However, I soon came to learn when I started having dreams and fantasies about Mark, a boy from school. He was funny, witty, friendly and a complete looker! I knew then that I must be a poof. At that time it wasn't as socially acceptable, so I tried to keep it a secret.
I tried to learn more about it, you know got books from the library and stuff like that. I remember reading one that proudly stated 'Homosexuality is just a phase, all boys go through it at some time in their lives' 'So there you go', I thought to myself, Josh you are going through a phase' and 'These feelings you're having for Mark and other boys is just a phase and I'll soon grown out of it' Well I guess you don't need me to tell you it aint a phase, cuz if it were, it's the longest phase of my bloody life!!! Well like most guys, I tried to put 'queer' thoughts to the back of my mind, I tried to be what my contemporaries and sociaty as a whole expected and in some ways demanded me to be. A 'Normal' hetro teenager, and, hey, even tho I say it myself, I think I managed it pretty well, I even had a couple of girl friends. I kept all my secret longings, desires and needs in my own secret closet! Which only was opened within the safety of my own mind.
During college, I found it harder and harder to stay in the closet, I had a minor health problem which put even more strain on me, however stay in the closet I did, well at least for a while. I had a great buddie back then called Shaun' we were best friends, bezzie mates, we used to do pretty much everything together. We even used to wank in front of each other. Him looking at a sex mag or something and me secretly looking at him, or rather at his knob!
Well, basically months went past and I just could stand that feeling of being a complete sham, of keeping part of who I was a secret, of living a lie. I really wanted to shout loud and proud that I was gay, a poof, a fairy, a fag, a nancy boy, a shirt lifter, a batty boy, a queer. an uphill gardener and whatever else people call homosexuals! Of course, I just didn't have the words or at least I didn't know how to put it and I guess if I'm honest, I just didn't have the guts.
I mean it's a pretty hard thing to do, for some people it's the hardest thing they will ever do. A couple more months passed by until I had my first experience of full sex with another guy. I found out about a gay club and went there the following Saturday night. God, was I so fucking nervious or what. I mean this fresh faces 17 year old venturing into this strange, dark underworld. I had a couple of cans of beer a dance and a few more beers, paid for by older men looking at and wanting the young chicken with shit fa brains and bearly outa short pants!
Well it didn't take too long before I'd had too much to drink and it's only a short time after that, that one of those older guys took me back to his place and introduced me to the world of gay sex. I can't really remember too much about what I was feeling inside at the time, I was so happy that I'd found other people who had the same desires as me, that I wasn't alone, as I had first thought! At the same time I was affraid. Anyway, the long and short of it was, on that night, or rather during those early hours, this guy suked me off and gave me my first experience of anal sex, buggerd me silly in other words. And, yes it hurt! It hurt like nothing I'd ever experienced. And no, it's not that way I really wanted to loose the big V, but hey, it's what happened.
Anyhow, on the train home the next day, my whole world felt different, now I don't mean the pain in my backside, I mean everything had changed. I was still the same young chap I was the night before, but now I had actual experience of what I'd only dreamed about before and everything fell into place. I was a Poof and I was happy being a poof. So, therefore the next step for me was to tell someone about it. And who better than my bezzie mate Shaun. So as soon as I could I sat him down in his room and told him my big secret, I told him that I was gay! Shaun said he understood, that it was OK, that I was still the same bezzie mate I'd always been and in fact he was proud and pleased that he was the first one I told. If ever there was a manual written about how to behave, react and thing when a someone come out to you, then it should be modeled on my mate Shaun.
Telling people at college was easy after Shauns reaction. However, they weren't so understanding. I was the life and soul of the group before, always around, always in the centre of the action. It was once said by one of the group that no function, event, party was complete without me. Flattering, yes. True, no. After I came out to them all, I became an outcast and could count my friends on two fingers! Not the way it was supposed to be and not the way I wanted at all. I guess at the time I regreted coming out, well ok I did regret it, but not for long. I realised that their stupid prejudices were their problems and not mine. My ulitmate happiness was what was important, and being open about who and what I am was the only way that I could acchive that. So out I was and out I styed.
The guy I lost my virginity to never called me, although he promised me he would, but hey, that's life. The next time I went, I danced more and drank less and went off to some other guys house and had rampant sex, it was better than the first time, but still not the best in the world, although I didn't know that at the time. Now guess what, he didn't call either, now I guess I didn't know any better and I guess I thought that was just the way it was on the gay scene. pretty much anonymous sex, you know, sex with strangers and all that. You can call me a tart or a slag if you wish, because that's what I became, I lived the life I thought we all did on the gay scene.
My life revolved around going to gay clubs every night I could afford to. I usually picked up or got picked up and had sex with pretty much every single one. I had a few two and three week long relationships, but nothing to set the world on fire with. I was a slag I admit it, I was a rampant little tart and I remained that way fo the rest of that year. It's not something I'm all too proud of now, but hey, it's what I thought life was all about back then. I also guess I had to get that kinda living for the weekend and shagging everything in sight outa my system for me to grow up.
I can't remember how many guys I slept with during those wild days, far more than I should have done and I am affraid to say I was very stupid, condoms were never an issue with me then, I didn't care, I was young, free, single and invincable! Now, if I have penatrive sex with anyone, I will insist on condoms, if it aint on, it aint in!! I mean half an hour, perhaps if you lucky an hour of fun now could ultimately cost you your life!. yeah yeah I hear you groan, but boys it's true, I've seen it happen. I've lost one really really close friend to this killer called HIV and AIDS. I've got an ex whose got it and I know a few other people with it too. And believe me when I say it aint pleasent. It aint big and it aint clever to fuck without a condom. And if ya gonna do it, know the risks, ok, it's your decision. OK that's the preachy part over and done with.
But, it wasn't the fear of getting HIV that stopped me clubbing and living for the weekend and being a total tart. Oh no, far from it.
I got beaten up!
Yeah there was I, at about four in the morning, I'd just left the niteclub in London called Heaven. I was follwed a little way and then set upon by 3 big strong guys. They broke my nose, cracked 3 or 4 ribs and left me bruised, battered and bleeding slumped in the road. Why? What had I done to them to demand such a beating? Nothing! My only crime was being gay. Yeah they smashed my face in because I was a gay lad coming out of a gay club, no other reason, just that, just my sexuality.
Well, I guess you can understand why I didn't wanna go clubbing after that, I mean, it aint funny and hell after a couple of weekes the physical pain stopped, but the mental pain was still there. But I came to terms with it, I mean you have too don't you? If you're gonna get on with this thing called life, then you just gotta deal with whatever is flung in your direction! It took me a few long months before I could face going to another gay club, but I did, I had fun and I left, on my own and I was safly home, without being queerbashed. I'd gotton back on my horse so to speak. it was hard, but hey, if life was meant to be easy then we'd all be millionaires!!!
Coming out to my folks was kinda easy after that. I just sat my mum down and told her and you know what, she told me she'd always know. Simple as that, occasionally when I see her now and we go shopping she's on the look out for men - for me! "Oh he looks cute - is he one of your gang?" She'll say. Father wasn't too bad either, he took it well and said that he'd know for ages, although I don't think he really did. It was very strange after that, he didn't want to be left alone in the same room as me for about six months. We spoke to each other, but we didn't talk if you know what I mean. But hey, that's all past now, perhaps we're not as close as we once were, but it's a working relationship.
Well then that my little cherubs is my coming out story, Since then I've lifed my life, honest, open and being me. I've fallen in love and I've fallen out of love. I've learnt how to look after myself, I've learnt how to cook, clean, stich buttons on, put up shelves and all sorts of things I've been happy and I've been sad a few times. Good times have come my way and so to have the bad ones, but hey, that's what this thing called life is all about. I mean you've gotta have some bad times to know when you've got the good times!
That is basically my coming out story, hope you've enjoyed it, please do feel free to email me with any comments, thoughts, words or well anything - sexandtheseafront@yahoo.co.uk
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posted by Unknown @ 10:05 AM
